So, I have not been here loyal enough to even bother. To not bother about telling people how I felt today, or just now while i was having my lunch break, or even about yesterday, when I felt I was gonna crumble again into pieces. I did not even bother about sharing my little moments, or little highlights in my day, my week, my month, or even at least – my year.
I like to hang upon my memories – to help me relive those moments and to help provide support and encouragement for me to go on. Really, was it so important for me to keep clinging onto my past? I used to blog and blog, till all the cows come home and yet, i did not feel any satisfaction. I felt more depressed. My emotions were so strong it took over me and gave me a soul i could feel and create. (the irony of being depressed)
Now, i’m soulless, still searching for that little puzzle that could help put me back together as a whole again. I chose to turn my emotions off and to be numb of all situations that could make me cry my heart out, laugh my tears out and screamed till i felt dizzy. None. I couldn’t feel anything at all, because i chose to.
Lately, i’ve been attending this training where i thought “it’s just another training to help me in my career and to lead me to where i want to go”. But where do i really want to go? i did not even bother deciphering that thought. I left it there – “where i want to go”. Where was my destination? Why do i want to go there? How am i getting there?
Wrong. i was so wrong. I was in for a huge surprise – a training which i simply could not understand at first. I got nervous and started to panic, realizing that i wasn’t doing well at all. I questioned myself again and again – where did i go wrong? why couldn’t i make it work? why am i so weak? I did not cry, i did not laugh, i did not feel anything but nervous energy sucking up and surrounding me in whole. I couldn’t breathe at all.
I felt like i could die just feeling like that – died as a nobody and lived a nobody’s life.
Was that what i wanted? NO.
I was more than that. I had the courage but chose not to use it. I had the capability but chose to shun it away, afraid that i would hurt myself in the learning process. I had the real me hidden inside. Who is the real me? I’m a selfish person who would not bother what people thought of me. I rather walk, eat and run alone than having to beg for a companion. I’m comfortable in seeing people coming and leaving my life. I don’t like blending in for the sake of pleasing others. I will laugh till my tears roll down and will cry as if my life depended on it. I am who i am.
Why did I choose to deny my true self throughout these years? Because i was afraid of being judged and seen as weird person.Or perhaps to the extend of a crazy woman.*faints*
Another month to go for this training. Whether i do well or not, to me at the moment, did not matter. As long as i can tell myself and pat myself on the back – “you did great mel.”